I picked up the phone. I had enough. It was Presley's first birthday....why was everything going wrong- AGAIN! All I wanted was to enjoy her first year doctors checkup. Brag about her milestone accomplishments, talk about what to look for and chat with my favorite nurses and Dr. Andy. Instead my morning looked far different. My daughter had broken out with huge red whelps all over her body. Instead of the cute bow on her head to match her birthday outfit I so had planned, I needed a mask to hide the scary. All I heard was may be chicken pox, take her in the back door.
Another call came can't watch Cash today have an important meeting. This one came often from my husband. Could he not just go and at least help me. Take 10 min out of his schedule to join me for his daughters check up....nope just couldn't do it. So I packed them up fast and furious and I dreaded the visit ahead. I began to pray this could go perfect, he could shock me with sitting still at 2 1/2. Cash could be a sweet quiet angel, instead of "Crash" that we all know. God will surely do this for me, I've been so faithful.
We go into the back to find Presley just had bug bites. One positive. Then all hell broke loose. Not sure anything standing still at Southlake Pediatrics. Nothing I did helped. With a naked baby on my hip and chasing another off the blinds, the roller stool, the cabinets, the nurses. An hour and a half later the lid blew off. I couldn't do this anymore. Life as a Mom was too hard, I surely was failing.
In the middle of the appointment the doctor stopped, looked at Cash and said are we still having energy problems, over energy. I don't think I needed to answer. Our vibrant and social baby boy decided it really should be his day after all. Who could ignore him. Mortified, ashamed and beyond broken I was that day on June 26th.
I no longer got to the car. I decided I had to call my husband. I had to finally set the line on how long I couldn't be here alone anymore. Although I have numerous sitters, neighbors who drop everything for us, it wasn't my family. My family was the answer, they could help me survive the 2's for sure. I did it the thing us married couples hate. Threatened, bullied and blamed. I was far from Eve in the Garden of Eden. I had fallen from Grace.
If I threw it on him it wasn't my fault that this child was beyond untameable. Or my life was. It wasn't until the next day, the next bad report at school at pickup did I finally get it. Who was I really upset about? Was it that I was really that concerned about Cash or was it what everyone thought of me? Was I scared of imperfection, uniqueness of the daunting character building God had given me. Was I afraid to fail at this too?
Since that day I've realized that maybe Cash is normal. That at 2 he is a boy and has some energy. That God forbid he likes people, he likes to be a little wide open and that he doesn't sit like a perfect angel no sir, yes mam. Cash I've learned, through Gods goodness, is extremely bright. Unfortunately I may have doubted that---he is beyond. He gets bored, he likes challenges and maybe he is a little fiery like his Mama. Maybe with a little boundaries, I can still allow Cash be Cash and that's perfectly ok.
I read this article on Huffington Post not too long ago, really sums up society's expectations of our tots. Then we wonder when did it go from learning to color in Kindergarten to reading a book....when did we start growing our kids up too fast. Putting too much pressure. Taking away their childhoods. Maybe we should all allow our kids to grow at their own pace. Without labels and milestones and realize each breath they take is a beautiful milestone all on its own.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christine-grossloh/the-milestones-that-matter-most_b_3195567.html
