The other day it stormed, not unusual for us here in Alabama! Most time as furious and fast as they come, they go just as quickly. They usually leave some mark that they've been there....but the storm does run out of rain. The sun does shine again.
Isn't that so true about life. The storm we are in comes rolling in so fast and furious creating havoc in your life, but before you know it life goes on and almost just almost we slowly forget. I've lived through many storms in my life! Heartache that felt endless, sickness, loss and fear. Though for the storm I'm currently in seems to be the F5 cyclone I will never forget.
16 months ago I had heard of the taboo term "post partum". No not just meaning after birth. Didn't seem very inviting, but surely something my faith filled strong mind would never meet. I didn't understand how terribly vulnerable our bodies were to this chemical warfare and how very soon I could be one to talk about it. Even more frightening living it. Now I understand the true despair it embarks on your mind, body and soul. I understand more so what it means to be fully humbled with nothing to do but look up.
3 months ago I developed a scary thyroid issue that they fully deem Post Partum Thyroiditis. A sudden attack on my thyroid leaving my heart racing at 100 at rest, hair loss, tremors and most frightening anxiety. My thyroid levels appear normal but the emotional effects they warned would be long lasting. Emotional diarrhea my endocrinologist calls it....nice way of phrasing Post Partum Depression and Anxiety!
First I thought as a Christian I could fight this. To admit and ask for help would be such a sin. Though weeks of watching my struggles with daily fears magnify and my family around me worrying non stop I knew I couldn't conquer it alone. It's chemical warfare that somehow becomes the battleground of years of baggage to come out on the front lines.
Let me warn you. I never resented my kids, nor thought harmful thoughts about myself or them like most describe this terrible attack. In fact, my kids as most of you know keep me going everyday! I am solely ridden with fears I never knew existed at times not even knowing the issues that lurked! Today I'm dealing every hour of everyday. With help of therapists, doctors, friends, family and mostly the Good Lord Above we are taking steps to wellness.
While some may resent ever having to deal with this, I'm slowly becoming thankful. I am fully allowed to embrace I'm flawed, I'm human and that I can finally ask for help dealing and it's ok! Post Partum may have got me here, but so many things paved the way. Mostly grieving a support network we left behind! I've learned when you are somewhat on an island you have time to really see our desires and now more importantly I'm getting more confident to admit them! Freely, unashamed and I've learned weakness isn't a flaw it's an open door for God to walk in!