Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Own your story....

The past few days have been amazing!  Not because I ran for the first time, OK maybe not the first but sure felt that way.  Not because my anxiety was gone, it still found me by the end of the day.  Not because my kids were good, well maybe they were at day care all day (may be on to something).  No because of You!

Yesterday and today has been eye opening.  One of those surreal days where I was receiving prayer request, when I was reading that people I love were turning to give God a chance, where I was receiving words of God opening doors and prayers answered.  People sharing their stories, their vulnerabilities.  Them being witnesses to a wonderful God.

Its those times where instead of beating myself up for letting the scary world into my truth, that it matters.  That people are freed to be themselves, that they are seeking the word ---the same experience.

I was driving home today from my second brutal training session when something came to me.  I want to be the kind of person that even the coldest hearts, the most guarded wants to somehow run and embrace.  They want to open that part of them and feel safe there.  I want to be change, not always seeking it idle. I want to know their stories.

Yesterday my son made it very clear to me I'm lacking in adult time.  He asked who I was talking to?  I had no idea I talk to myself.  Yes apparently it has come to that.  I said nobody buddy was I talking?  Yes Mom, were you talking to Jesus?  Truth be known I probably was.  I developed a habit last April to constantly speak to the Lord throughout my day.  Pray first.  I wonder if my talks to him sound as goofy as they do to my 3 year old.

I'm hoping yesterday I was practicing gratitude.  For my walk.  For You.  For your walk.  For you sharing it with me.  For the brokenness that surrounds ALL of us.  For the walls we will break down forever.  For the lives that will be changed through the truth tellers like us.  The seekers, the sinners. 

I pray I continue to get those amazing messages.  I hope we continue to work together for acceptance and change.  To hear blogs being written, people stepping out in faith for Gods calling, promotion and prayers for wise decisions made.  Own your story my brave friends.  This is what this whole thing called life is all about.  Not new homes, exotic vacations, luxury cars.  It all comes down to this.  Trust me we all at one point and time will get there.  Its a BLESSING!


Tuesday, February 18, 2014

It's ok to be messy.....

The message i received this week from many was to block people so they couldn't see my life. Maybe I told too much truth or a little too much Christian which was uncomfortable....maybe showed weakness. Seemed my life was falling apart it seemed down here in Alabama by my vulnerability. Or my connection on my Facebook or blog was too much.

There I lost it. Tears streamed. Right Here I was doubting myself, my worth, my vision....for what a few had to say. Had to question. I immediately wanted to hide. Then in an instant I stopped. I remembered the truth the Lord has placed in me. No longer will anyone try to change me. I know what God has led me to do and it is to speak truth. Connect. 

I've learned so much about myself this year. I love through words typed on paper. Not words on the phone. Not even words in person. My vulnerability comes freely when I sit with a keyboard and silence. Somehow my dream works. I've reached more people, far more people with truth then false witness mostly behind screen. I may not be changing the world with big ideas, but if my compassion reaches a few. I believe God smiles.

In my study today I read sometimes those closest to us just can't understand where we are. The changes taking place. Our journey. I've learned it's not personal, it's just fact. I also know God puts people in your lives who do. The perfect people for the moment. We mustn't take offense to others questions and concerns. Yet we mustn't be ashamed of where God is taking us either.

I'm a Momastery junkie and today this rang out to me:


Oh I could have typed it myself. Yes I'm a Mom of 2 under 3. My life is nuts. I'm strung out half the time, in love the other half. I live 7-9hours from my family, all my family. I've been sick, truly sick keeping it all together with the help of some angels along the way. My husband works a lot and when he's home he helps me. Helps me survive it all. I worry all the time if we are ok, if he is ok but God always reassures me we are. He was sent to me. He is growing too and messy the same. A great work of God.

Am I ashamed? no! Am I scared? everyday. Am I ok....beyond. As are each of you. I'm more at peace now with my Heavenly Father and for that all of it is worth it. He wants messy, he wants you to know it is....so you and I together can witness his clean up work. In which I will continue to share and I hope I inspire you to as well. I've learned that is my purpose and I can't block that. He is asking me not too, the one person who's opinion I value the most. 


Sunday, February 9, 2014

Sundy Best - "Home" Official Music Video

A little Kentucky Favorite, sounded good on this Sunday!

Everything Changes.....

Moving away you learn a lot. You have no other choice. You can't continue with the comfortable, everything changes. Relationships, logistics, the way you talk and dress. Actually is quite cool in fact. It's a way of reinventing yourself, if you go there.

Th hardest part about moving, change in general, is letting go. Letting go of the past, moving on to the new. Don't we all battle this, no matter the miles. Change is inevitable for growth, we just choose to stay idle. I'm ashamed to say I stayed idle for almost 4 years before finally the day came I slowly loosened the grip. I started excepting instead of resisting. I started reaching out instead of pulling away. I embraced growth, instead of planting my feet into the quick sand not budging.

An amazing thing happened. Life didn't become any easier, it started to make sense. I learned a lot about what I wanted, about how different I had become. How different my interests were, my needs and my wants. The most painful how much my relationships have shifted.

The last has been my hardest battle, my relationships. I've realized the truth of loving the same, just maybe some are for seasons and not lifetimes. That it is OK to grow apart, to understand when you walk one path some wont follow. Sometimes the ones you stand and wait to show up never arrive.

The thing I've learned most is everyone you meet is for a reason. Mostly to teach you something. Some you meet, just show up. They are there when you need them most, mostly they are who you need. Gods specialty is relationship. You can tell a lot about where you are in your walk by the people whom surround you.

So now as I've gotten to that place of soon to be another transition I ask nothing more then God to direct our path. To put us in places where we continue to grow and not look back. We have got to keep on moving forward. It's only in moving forward that we ever accomplish what God has called us to do. Yes, it can be hard – but it's the only way if we want to move on in God and grow.

Isaiah 43:18-19

18 “Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

The Window.....

There he was his little tear soaked face pressed against the hard glass.  Fists hitting as hard as they could as the door closed and I just stood there and knew I had to walk away.  My son has been having massive separation anxiety since the snow/ice storm of 2014 last week.  At least that is what I tell myself to make sense.  They told me to leave or he would never get back to normal, but the pain I felt with that simple separation was far from making sense.

Since then I got home and I put my other little one to her bed.  I came downstairs and I sat in our recliner.  We have glass french doors to our back yard that has always brought me somewhat of peace since moving here.  That window could tell a lot of stories.  But today as I looked out it, I wondered how many other thousand Moms, Husbands, teenagers, Grandparents were doing the same thing I was in that moment.  Looking out a window, tears coming down, searching for answers and a way to understand our fear. 

I remember as a young child a few vivid memories about fear.  Leaving my Mom for the first day to meet the big kids at the bus stop.  I was the youngest and though I had my cousins in tow, I still remember how scared I was to go out into the big bad world.  Who were all these strangers, would they like me, would I fit in?  The next was college.  The day my parents and sister drove away leaving me in another state 4 hours away alone.  The last was pulling into Birmingham AL, thinking OK what now.  No job to make friends, a corporate apartment with white walls and a car to try and find my way around.

Each one of these and many more I did what we all do, unless you were smart enough to have gotten it before now.  I put on that cape, that happy face and I trudged through.  I smiled, put my head up just like they taught me.  I was brave, I made friends, I succeeded---I SURVIVED.

Today at 34 I sit in a recliner and I think do we ever really grow out of that.  In fact, if we all told the truth and showed up to the intervention all of us are scared out of our minds if they still remain in tact post 30.  It's a hard world.  Constantly trying to put on our masks to hide the inevitable fear we all have. The great news is on the other side of that window, lies this.  Truth, Grace, Understanding, Compassion. He is staring into you, into that preschool room, into your work, into your home right now.  He knows how it feels to be rejected, to be scared, to be relevant, to feel secure.  That's why he always provides when you are needing it the most.

So today though my child was scared, I received a picture post 2 hours later and he was smiling. 

Although a mask it could have been, I like to think God provided today.  That someone gave him comfort, something to smile about.  Today I hope you feel that way too.  I hope God always provides when you need it most.  Through truth tellers, who give you Grace through their words and embrace.

Thank You, Lord, for the promise that You will
meet our needs. Help us not to fear or doubt.
We’re grateful that You’re watching over us
and that our cries for help reach Your ear.
Our needs will never exhaust God’s supply.

(Thank you to my beautiful friend Susie for allowing me to share a beautiful pic and depicts the soul she bestows! Love you sister, friend)

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Meet and Greet

I'm Doing Great, How bout y'all?
So I'm starting small group tonight.  So rightly called Lies Women tell themselves.   Meet and greet night.  Where we walk in act like perfect Christians, make our first impressions fantastic and Lie to others and ourselves as we so politely say I'm great, how about you?  By the end of the 6 week journey we ditch the cute heels and boots...straggle barely in with a side pony and flip flops and say this day was hell, pure hell.  How bout y'all?

I'm assuming as in all small group first nights we give our bios.  I'm bout to bust loose with mine.  I figure why not be authentic.  Hit them with the hard stuff, you know the truth.  Maybe we can get things going a little faster the right direction.  So here is goes, in all my beautiful glory.

Hi My name is Amanda or Mandy depending on the day.  I am an exhausted, blessed, freak out Mom of two tiny tots not even 2 years apart.  I washed my hair today, some I don't.  I'll try my best to do so before seeing you again.  I'm a stay at home Mom in reality, in pretend I'm a fantastic accomplished writer that believes I"m transforming people's lives each day.  Kinda a Beth Moore kind of day dream.  Really I write a blog with maybe 50 followers, but I have a Vision and my eye is on the prize.

 I'm really not sure what I "like" to do anymore, but I always write down exercise, read, meet up with friends, decorate and spend time with my kids.  It just sounds politically correct.  In all truth I hate, no loathe exercise.  Like seriously my apps gym pact, blog to 5k, and Fitness Pal blink loser, loser, loser.  Still can't figure out darn technology or downward facing dog.  I have so many cute Yoga clothes you can borrow though.

I live away from home. Yes I'm not from here, no I'm a Yankee am I still allowed to be here?  Technically this year I'm neutral 17 years Yankee, 17 below the Mason Dixon Line. YES damn it I'm 34...I know pressing middle age.  So really am I allowed back next week?

I'm a cancer survivor and fight a vicious battle with Autoimmune disease some japenese sounding "hashi" word I refuse to accept.  Cause' to me it's all in the Gluten. Gluten Free solves everything in my mind. I'm a pretty little celiac (self diagnosed), and refuse do you hear me refuse to give up a chicken biscuit....so there you have it I have trouble facing reality. Could we stop and pray right now.

If you aren't scared away yet, I want you to know up front I'm brutally imperfect.  Before kids you would have assumed otherwise, b/c I wanted you to. Mopped floors in heels, beautiful size 2 and I would die trying literally.  Now I see it that if I lower my expectations, you may be pleasantly surprised.  My Mom and I recently had a fight I had crumbs under my couch on her last and short visit, then and there I have no idea where I get the idea of perfectionism. Mind you I still call my Mom 3 times a day.  Ephesians 6: 1-3 living it everyday!

No I love God, I love life, and I'm passionate about EVERYTHING!  I love you and I don't even know you yet, but I do!  I love meeting people and knowing their stories.  Not in a few months or years, like a few minutes. Just give it, I can handle it.

See I'm an open book, in which my husband cringes when my little fingers start typing---(hope he doesn't see this).  I kinda have a thing against ingenious people. If you aren't real, we just shouldn't be friends.  Don't bother raising your hands, I have already probably figured out who you are.  Is that judgemental....again brutally imperfect.

So I'm glad to meet you.  If you need me don't try to call I"m a phone phobic.  I respond to text, emails and am a social media addict.  Feel free to contact me there.  I think my voice box is full and after 6 months I have no intention of clearing it.