So I look back this week of Thanksgiving to one year ago today. Who would have thought this would have been a day of a one year journey that none of us expected. I wish I could say that we have put it all behind us, yet sometimes I fear maybe they call it a journey because life is a never ending story that has no end.
It's been a very tough year. Not sure I could name all that has happened to our family. I have learned to not always live like the other shoe will drop, but find understanding when it does. Sometimes life is just like that, you just really do have to roll with the punches. Even when your bruised, bloody and broken the song rolls on. Keep dancing.
I experienced things I never expected this year. Wonderful moments of beautiful compassion I never expected, and very dark moments of truth revealed. I learned that sometimes that truth sometimes can be very hurtful about others, expectations sometimes need to be lowered and more so the scary truth about ourselves.
I'm not one that believes in horoscopes, but I found desperation where I admit the yearly horoscopes have maybe come a little too close for comfort. Just so happens mine states it will be a couple years, yes one more, of cleansing and transformation. Getting to the core of issues and coming out better. They say 2015 is going to be my year for health and unbelievable health for that matter. I say at this point God would understand, I may put at least 10% hope in it this time:)
Having two kids in diapers knocked me off my rocker and kicked me down the street. I never saw it coming. I am sticking to God knew me and unless I got sick I never would have learned the lesson of asking for help. So I'm so thankful for that. There are beautiful days where I can't take enough pics, I relish in the smiles, hugs and laughter. For the most part I always find those moments. After all aren't they what keep us going. Then there are still the moments I sit in my assigned Mommy Freak out Spot on our stairs. Look at the little demons and cry, cry and cry some more. All you Moms know exactly what I'm saying. In denial that there is 2 more, 2 more hours until my sanity comes walking through that door.
I used to think my husband and I always had great communication. We stepped it up to the next level. Some days I'm not sure if I am happy we communicate or not. We over communicate, or at least I do. Yet at the end, I cry and say maybe we aren't cut out for this as he hugs me and says that was the most awesome talk we have ever had I feel so much better. Again Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus. Emotional vs. Rational....enter Mandy and Chris Zimmer. Growth is an awesome thing.
6 years ago I sat and laughed when people would tell me two things. Give it 5 years you will get adjusted and your family will be the people that surround you here. Guess what 5 years in they were so right. In fact I'm going to stretch and say the people here may in fact know my life and myself more then those even I've been around a majority of my life. I say this because no one has been around me as a wife and Mom. I realize marital bliss and motherhood really bring out the best in you....yes enter best could go both ways. They know what I need and they know what really I live and they give me an unconditional love I'm not sure I've ever had until now.
Mostly this year I've learned I'm not inevitable, I'm not perfect and I'm certainly not the super woman I secretly thought I was. Hell I wear flats more then I ever wear heels which good Lord who would have ever thought that. Yet in a weird way I'm so much more comfortable in my skin and so much less at times. I have days I wake up and conquer the world. Yes I decorated my whole house for Christmas 2 days after this last surgery. Or I wake up praying someone can help me.
For the first time in my life I won't get mad if someone says they understand even if they don't. Living with autoimmune diseases is a daily struggle. Over the past year I've begged God, I've yelled at God and I've bargained. One minute I'm being baptized and the next wanting to push him away for not giving ME what I deserve for being faithful. You see that's the thing this has tried to teach me to love unconditionally to trust his way is best, to know no matter he is doing a work in me that won't be completed until the end. I'm learning and I'll spend the rest of my life doing my best.
I have a song by Laura Story that I absolutely adore it's called Blessings. I listen to it a lot. What if your healing comes through tears. I've cried a lot this year. I've been told I'm losing it, I need to be stronger, I'm not handling motherhood like I was expected from those who have always had extreme expectations for me.....yet I know now that is nothing from God. I know Blessings come through rain drops and healing does come through tears. I know this is what it has taken to know regardless he is here. Not one minute does God ever see me weak, humbling is a beautiful thing. Sharing our testimony is Gods work in us.
So today I'm thankful for the meltdowns, the healing, the cleansing and the real real reality of how life got here. We all are "here". No matter what the outside looks like, the inside is real. Its where people really know what they are facing and a lot of times its a battle none of us could imagine. So this year I'm thankful for one thing and one thing only. Prayer. Prayer saves, it relates, it shows compassion and it is the one thing that you and all have in reach for in our darkest moment. Whether you believe, whether you don't......in your darkest hour we all have a longing built in us that this world can't satisfy. I've learned to pray a lot for myself, for you and as the next year of this journey rolls around I'm thankful the most for the opportunity to share in your life, your struggles, your celebrations....and to pray for you!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone from our Home to Yours!