So I came back downstairs tonight, straight out of bed. Almost midnight and tears coming down. Even to the point of asking myself what struck me so much about this news. After all we hear of famous stars committing suicide so many times, what is the difference with this. Could it be that on the outside Robin Williams seemed so to the contrary. Joyful and such a beautiful soul. Helping others, lover of the church. Or could it be the news on top of a dear friend who I have seen recently struggling against a pain that is far beyond any our comprehension. Or the person down the street who I spoke with who is so hard on themselves they won't even go to the park to be seen, even though she just had a child and already thinks society is judging her not perfect size 2 body.
Stories like this flood my ears and I'm open to them. I'm that person by the Grace of God who opens my arms like a caring Mother and wants to suck out every ounce of a persons pain and wear it. Just so they don't have to. It was the way I was made. To relate and mostly to empathize. Especially now when I don't have to say I'll pray for you only, I can say lets work through this together I understand.
One year ago, my life and my families lives were turned upside down in a flash when this dreaded pain struck me. Its a day I will never forget. A new Mom of a 4 month old and a 2 year old running around I was trying to keep it all together far away by ourselves. I was standing at the kitchen sink, getting dinner when it hit. A flood of adrenaline went through my body, heart pains, out of body experience that this was surely it I was dying. Although a post partum thyroid issue made me aware, now even though my thyroid is healed....the anxiety has lingered.
6 ER visits last year with attack after attack, denial that anxiety could feel this real--- I finally was convinced. Guess what where there was one in that ER that day, there were 15 more dealing with the same thing. No matter the cause health, situational, grief something was not healing. It was time to get real. I hid it a lot behind my health I think at times. I hid a lot behind cute Facebook pics of my kids and what I was living 9 hours away. Truth is I was lonely, scared to death and I will never forget my few neighbors and friends whom I did let in on my secret. They never gave up on me and they shared their love with me.
It took me 1 solid year because of mere shame and feelings of weakness that I finally sought help to see me through. I feel I'm finally better....mostly because ironically that year was the closest I ever became to God. Yes that is right imagine praising God, when the pain and suffering is so great you have every excuse to deny him. I wouldn't, I haven't and he has sucked me out of the depth of fear and anxiety.
I still have days where I focus on my worries, where I allow myself to get overwhelmed with triggers. Lack of sleep, too much caffeine, taking on too much. Yet now I know I don't have to hide behind it anymore. The Lord is so strong in my weakness and I"m no longer ashamed. Although my battle lies more in anxiety, the darkness of depression is real and the devil loves to capitalize in the depths of all of us regardless our battles.
What would the world be like if we all could get real. If all of us said the truth and never hid behind closed doors of deception. I've been blessed with many many things, trust me I thank God for them everyday. Yet I also know none of those things made me immune from the battle of everyday struggles within. Please be a person that makes everyone feel important. Take the time to really ask how a person is doing and LISTEN. Be a person that instead of judging and throwing stones, give Grace. Pray instead of peg someone with guilt and shame. Most people are fighting a battle you know nothing about. Our covers especially with instagram filters can look beautiful, don't be fooled. Remember God is strongest in our weakness. Allow him to work through the mud and mire.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Man this is tough..... I let out a sigh and dropped the box. Hair in a bun, dust all over my face.....I wondered why I ever thought moving was a good idea. Or even more so marriage. I'm the best at physical multitasking, the worst at mental. So when I have today's events and the next weeks there aren't enough slots to fill upstairs. Any Moms hear me?
So of course when I am overwhelmed I look up and I do that initial human instinct: blame! Who better then of course our spouse. This particular week he's traveling. How dare he a week before we move 7 hours away, leave me to take care of the last minute packing, take care of the kids, deal with the emotions ALONE! Then I convince myself how right I am by, unpacking the one box that needs to stay taped. The past. I throw out every last bit of resent I've held onto and throw it on the floor. I'm leaving this for him to deal with.
How quick I forget all the amazing things he does for me. God never lets you forget. I'm reminded when on a last minute run to Target I hear a young lady yell from the Pizza Counter: Cash! Oddly I wonder who knows my son, and she tells me at "her second job" she takes care of him at the day care. You know on the days I can't deal. There I'm reminded how blessed I am to have a husband who travels to allow me the comfort of being home with my kids and time to process all I have to do. This young Mom may have 10 minutes b/n jobs to love on hers. A single Mom at that.
Its those small moments I know God is whispering, look up, look around. Look at all you have been blessed with. I sat up a perfect meeting for you with your spouse. I interceded life to allow this to happen. I moved you away so you could build a strong foundation just the two of you. I've given you trials to mature and grow your love for me. I've blessed you with miracles so you could experience your own family together.
I almost saw Gods tears coming down. Like the hand that keeps smacking him away. This is more about me. I so want to be the Proverbs Wife. The one who takes suffering in stride, who sacrifices, who leaves control, submissive.....the Moms children call blessed. Then the fear of sacrificing, submission, and meekness trump all those desires. Then the devil helps me unpack that box of resent, and tells me how justified I am. As God sits and weeps, looking around at all the blessings missed.
Today I opened up my favorite website right now: God Vine. The first video was on marriage. Not just any marriage with its usual trials as we go through BUT real trials. There I see the Proverbs Wife, the one children call blessed. It clarifies every bit of wisdom I know about purpose, about Gods Design, about shining for him on this earth. If you get a second watch this. It brings the everyday hassles, struggles into perspective. No one said it was easy.....but God did say he'd make a way through it. With more blessing then you could ever imagine.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Oh my dear friend Jamie Sams-Chesson, Way to be a voice for my conviction movement without even knowing..... way to go Roomie!!!
Keep a realistic outlook on social media people. Don't we all know by now nothing is "perfect". Don't be one who breeds jealousy, envy, competition, confrontation and hate. Instead use social media to feel happiness for others, compassion, for inspiration, support and ideas, and most of all keeping a connection w friends and loved ones who may be miles away!!! If u feel annoyed by other people joys or views there's a great feature called block or delete! Keep those beautiful pics of your kids coming or the selfies that make u feel beautiful or the adventures and experiences u are so lucky to enjoy! I love sharing That w my friends and family! That's just my thought for the day! Hahahhaha
Oh the sun shines bright on my ole' Kentucky home.......Bring It Cards Sweet 16!!!!! Met Sundy Best Friday night here in Bham, not sure our weekend could have gotten much better......
We are all convicted each and everyday. Join with me. When you feel convicted. Immediately pray about it and change. Conviction is there for us to learn. A gift from our loving God. Join the movement. Today lets be someone who Cares! # conviction.........