Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Tell Him Your Plans....

Some people have big dreams in this life. Some to be doctors, lawyers, teachers and bankers! I just wanted to be a Mom and Wife. Probably once upon a time that was very normal and admirable, today it is much less the norm.

My Mom used to say I couldn't wait to play house with my dolls or barbies, even home schooling them with old school books! I guess that was why my Mom pushed me towards teaching due to my love for kids! I started down that path but the fact I wanted a zoo of my own I realized it probably wasn't the most sane to take.

5 years ago this month one word threatened that dream , cancer! Not just cancer but cancer of my uterine lining and cervix that was the only thing that could grant me the ability to have children! Lots of tears, prayers and miracles later I sit as a stay at home Mom to two beautiful children. All due to a medical procedure that was placed by no other than the help of Gods miraculous hands!

2 1/2 months ago we all set in awe. This so called "thread" called a permanent cerclage had withstood 2 children and one full term. A true testimony of faith. Plus the news of my clear cancer scan pushing back to my first 6 month check and an extension of my ability to have more kids I've been walking on clouds! Until today.

A week and a half ago on a random Friday night I started to Hemmorage A medical emergency that led to a night in the ER and a lot of panic. I didn't receive true answers that night as the ER team did their job to get the bleeding stopped but I was to see my OB team to get some real answers an assumed cyst that had ruptured from a complication of the c-section, I prayed this was the cause.

This morning when I went in it wasn't the case. My permanent miracle cerclage had ripped out. Leaving me sitting in amazement of the irony! We worked so hard during each pregnancy to secure it with all cost and a random Friday night the decision for my future was pretty much made for me !

I was counseled that if I was set on one more child they may be able to attempt getting a new one in, in which I swore I would never endure again! I also was told to really consider the other option of never again having children.

Some will say be grateful and if anyone knows me can attest I am that times ten. Yet no one can tell you how to feel when all you ever wanted is not in the cards. I sit today reflecting on many things! Mostly can I rally from this, am I selfish to want more and mostly am I deep down bitter for this journey and so many decisions to always make. Will that make me a bad Christian!

If I know anything the Lord isn't mad today, he feels my hurt. He knows the desires of my heart and he understands the anger! He also knows my future that I can't see. Only he can and it will all work out for his glory!

It reminds me of a quote I love but hate to live out at the time! "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

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