Thursday, October 25, 2012

Nothing Comes Easy

I don't know what I thought.  I'm smarter than that.  I guess I just hoped my thoughts would materialize.  It seemed to have worked earlier on, sure not in the perfect fast timing I hoped for, but with patience it turned out.  Seems this was what my experience was to be around Cash the entire story unfolding.  Patience to have him, and patience to watch him develop.

Cash was born at 35 weeks.  5 weeks early, I blew off. He will be fine, yet he wasn't exactly fine. He spent a good week and a half in the nicu struggling with his breathing.  As well as he did I thought this was normal and would be the only thing he struggled with.  No other lasting effects.

As the months went on I noticed Cash was almost 5 weeks to the mark of doing all the normal growing things.  Smiling, Cooing, Sitting up, rolling over. In fact it was evidence as he wore a helmet for some time do to a flat side of his head from not being able to roll or sit up fast enough. I remember waiting for him to walk was eternity. While other 12 monthers were easily taking steps mine wasn't having anything to do with it on his own. It wasn't until around 15-16 months he was trying.  Although it took time, he caught up fast.  As all who know Cash, knows he now runs no stopping him.

These things were delayed but looking back now I never worried about any of them.  I never focused to hard b/c I knew one day kids just get it.  It's natural instinct and it was.  Yet now I'm facing a much different battle, the speech hurdle in which by the day gets more and more behind.  Progress yes, at a snails pace.  He is up to 25 words and some 3 word phrases but still the doctors/therapists/teachers say he is well behind.

I entered Cash in school to help him hear other kids communicate. Blaming it on being away from our friends and family he didn't have the stimuli most have. Although I still think that is the case, visiting school as a volunteer I realized with my own eyes how behind my son is.  Not just in speech, but his maturity. As I left school that day, I sobbed.  My heart broke in that moment and I knew this time it wasn't instinct we had a very big problem.

I now know having a full term little girl how evident above the curve she is.  She babbles constantly, she rolls both ways at 3 months, holds bottles and is well on her way to crawling.  Looking back none of this was taking place for Cash well above 6 months.  Being a Mom to a second, you pick up on these things.  Especially the connection b/n full term and preemie.  I beat myself up some days because with Presley I wanted her to come out.  I was miserable with contractions and honestly thought she would be fine.  Now knowing the difference, we would have been fighting the same battle.

As you all saw I'm taking a step back.  I realize how important and blessed I am to be able to stay home with my children.  I no longer want to assume they will just get it or I can throw them off to a 2 day program to learn it.  This is my job to raise them and in order to do that it will take discipline.  I told my husband my desires and he supports me.  I told him I would die trying, I feel so passionate.

I know to do this I must set goals for myself, to find strength and discipline it is going to take to hold onto my worth and to have the confidence to tackle this mother thing 100% and get my little boy going.  We have had the best week, I see progress. His sitter yesterday said his recognition has increased so much and he is saying a lot more.  Thanks to word books, cards, DVDs and anything I can find.  Although it is hard it is my calling.  I used to look for purpose and if I was making God proud.  I really feel today he is smiling and will continue smiling down on my son.......

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