As I drove home today, I had a huge pang of doubt and insecurity that ran through me. So deep that I traced back and questioned my very being. Have you ever felt that? I felt tired, run down, unkempt, so out of body. Who was I becoming? Was it too late to grasp on to the old me? Was I becoming that "Mom" that let her kids and life overcome her and losing herself in the process. Was I a person who no matter what I did, would never measure up in societies standards. Why couldn't my life just be normal.
I questioned God. Why when I pour myself in to you more now than I ever have do I keep getting literally pushed down more and more. Why is this so hard? Why do the tests keep coming? Why have I always been one who has trouble just fitting in to the norm, being like everyone else. Why can't I just live the normal life that everyone around me mimics.
No ER trips, no trials of magnitude, no doubts and no fears. Why can't I do the things I used to and keep it all together. Why God are you letting me down. When all I do is preach your name and goodness. I knew at that moment, I needed to get into the word. There I would find his answers. Not in this booming hallelujah moment where he would answer and my problems solved. No that is not how it worked. I had to seek him. For me and now for you.
I happened to miss church on Sunday, now no coincidence. The message I watched today would have had no real relevance to the answers and reassurance I needed at this very moment. He spoke about this study and purpose. Finding ours. Then he said something from the first sentence
"To find yourself and your purpose is about losing yourself in the process.." John Maxwell
I realized then all my doubts, were now reassurances. This is working! The pain and uneasiness I feel is the chiseling I need. The very thing I'm scared of, is exactly what is going to make me into is very plan. To know that you are there, that God is really working is one of the most amazing feelings I've ever had. It was like God sent me a text that said......I've never been working more for the good in your entire life my child. You have a plan I'm completing. Be patient.
Mark 8:34: Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.
Today friends I ask you this: Have you really given yourself to God? Our you ready to give your life away to him? If you have and it feels messy, unfair, not the promise you were expecting you are right where you need to be. He is working.... Celebrate that as hard as it seems. Know that he has a prayer for you and today I want you to print this verse out where you can see it everywhere you go. The only thing you need to hold onto.
(Jeremiah 29:11) For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
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